Let the girl make the first move

As a single 40 year old who has been dating for the last five years, I did not take Later Life Virginity therapy sessions and I have always been made fun of for waiting for the girl to make the first move. “So you rather watch this stupid movie instead of making out with me?”“ You CAN hold my hand if you want, you know.”

At a recent party, when I explained to friends that it just makes consent a lot more clear than any signal would, they thought it’s a good practice given the times we live in. It’s always been this way for me.

Maybe because I didn’t kiss anyone till I was 29 or sleep with anyone till I was 35. (No, I’m not ashamed of it and let’s just stop shaming virgins.) Yes, I am aware that many girls may have wanted me to make the move because it’s supposed to be a guy’s job but I just can’t get myself to do it. I didn’t need an intimacy coach to tell me that.

The few instances I have tried to peck a girl on her cheeks or hold her hand, I would stop halfway. I just don’t have those skills. At 22, I asked a girl if I could kiss her and she said: “You could have if you hadn’t asked. The moment has passed.” The next day, her girl best friend kissed her in front of me just to show how it’s done.

At 27, I got a crick in my neck trying to kiss a girl who was in the driver’s seat when she parked outside Police staff quarters (of all the places in Chennai) to make out. Some of us are just wired this way. We are not weird.

I just want to say it’s okay to be wired this way. It’s okay to be asexual or platonic with a girl you are attracted to. Even if you are spending nights together watching movies, chatting or just happy cuddling and not taking it to “the next level.”

It doesn’t make you any less of a man. You don’t have to sleep with every girl who wants to spend a night with you. She won’t judge you or your masculinity for not trying to have sex with her. If a girl wants you, she sure knows how to get you.

You don’t ever have to put yourself or her in an awkward situation by trying to read signals. If a girl really won’t make the first move, she will tell you to do so, expressly. Take it from someone who has been doing this for five years. You are not missing out on anything. I have had some great sex over the last five years and know that you can’t have that physical connection with every person.

Every person brings a different energy and it’s never binary. Anyone who told you that you are either good or bad at sex does not know it takes two to tango. I do like having sex and want to like it.

Which is why I don’t sleep with every girl who comes home to spend the night. And I’m sure every girl who comes home to spend the night hasn’t always decided if she wants to have sex or not. And that’s why I’m single? Nope.

I’m single because I haven’t felt as strongly as I once did.I hope to.

So, dear shrink, tell me…

Is my friend weird or is that good advice?


Writer Sudhish Kamat 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My first gay sexual dating experience

  The weather was quite ideal that day with the summer heat and pleasant wind. I was carrying my expectations like a rebellion, apparently ready to take over all vulvas. Imagine this- you lie to your parents about your whereabouts and travel an hour from home just to hook up with a girl. This was my first gay sexual dating experience and was extremely important to me. The thought of exploring my identity was so exciting that it overpowered  my nervousness. With this feeling, I wanted to do anything and everything. My thoughts saw no bounds. We met and it was awkward. Neither of us knew how to make the first move, so we played cards in her room. Then the songs started playing, one thing led to another and we were making out! Now unfortunately,everything I knew was from porn videos. Typical porn essentially portrays everything to be easy and natural. As anticipated from a young mouldable mind, my brain believed that it would be just the same. I would enjoy every touch, every kiss, every
Read more

The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response

Turn -Ons and Turn-Offs are the two terms we often use to describe how our bodies react to a sensual situation. When you initially date someone, there are several things that attract you to them sexually and we describe them as turn-ons. How someone does little gestures of care is a major turn-on for me or curly hair is another example. The same goes for things that can lead you to a “turn-off”. On a more intimate level, there can be things that hold you back from a sensual situation or excites you to engage in it and take it to the next level. These responses that our bodies make during an intimate situation can be described under the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response . This model can be used to understand how to go about building an exciting relationship with your partner. The Dual Control Model of Sexual Response is based on the idea that sexual response in individuals is an interaction between excitatory and inhibitory processes. A balance between the two is very important to h
Read more

The irony of finding love from options

Image
What brings you to Tinder/Hinge? I’m not a fan of the job interview format.  So I have been meaning to write about this question and answer ritual that sucks the romance out of meet-cutes. You have just about managed to break the ice and start a conversation and it’s all fun till the other wants to know: What are you doing on a dating app? I mean, what are YOU doing? Some feel the need to clarify: I mean, you are good looking and successful, why would you need a dating app? How are you still single? And there are some who will decide on the basis of this question and answer based interview if they want to meet you.  That’s fine except that most of the questions aren’t text conversation material they are part of relationship counseling . I am sorry I am not discussing relationship histories, my plans to get married or to settle down with someone I haven’t even met. For all I know, I’m being Catfished. To be absolutely honest, I don’t even know if dating today makes much sense because n
Read more