My first gay sexual dating experience

 The weather was quite ideal that day with the summer heat and pleasant wind. I was carrying my expectations like a rebellion, apparently ready to take over all vulvas. Imagine this- you lie to your parents about your whereabouts and travel an hour from home just to hook up with a girl. This was my first gay sexual dating experience and was extremely important to me. The thought of exploring my identity was so exciting that it overpowered  my nervousness. With this feeling, I wanted to do anything and everything. My thoughts saw no bounds. We met and it was awkward. Neither of us knew how to make the first move, so we played cards in her room. Then the songs started playing, one thing led to another and we were making out! Now unfortunately,everything I knew was from porn videos. Typical porn essentially portrays everything to be easy and natural. As anticipated from a young mouldable mind, my brain believed that it would be just the same. I would enjoy every touch, every kiss, every finger, unaware of the world's capitalist cruelties.Oral sex seemed fun to give and receive, I was very excited to give my best first performance.However, my gag reflex did not agree. I was not expecting vulva  to taste or smell like flowers. I also did not expect that I would be unable to go beyond the first stroke. I was baffled and so despite my initial reaction, I was determined to try again. People who don’t eat women out are not very much liked within popular media. I did not want to be someone who did not give head,a truly frightening label for me at the time. Unfortunately, nothing changed the second or third time. I could not fight it anymore, I resorted to fingering but the shame and embarrassment was slowly enveloping me. I tried very hard to hide my gagging but I kept wondering if she noticed. I did not enjoy being fingered or anything beyond rubbing. Sex was not like the videos and I wanted to leave. I so wished sexological bodywork was available in India.

The videos also did not tell me how to communicate properly about disengaging in any sexual act. Without this knowledge, I resorted to mumbling awkwardly about being late and left frantically. She knew I was lying. It was horrible. The intrusive thoughts about my bisexuality being a lie kept flooding, seeing myself next to men like Ben Shapiro and DJ Khaled (very popular no pussy consumers) made me physically cringe. I needed a solution to this, I needed to enjoy giving head. I figured if taste is the problem, then I need to familiarize myself with my own vulva’s taste. Everytime I masturbated, I licked my fingers. It was weird at first, but then just salty later. I knew everyvagina is different but I still felt prepared. 

Unfortunately, I did not get a chance to see if my preparedness would pleasure my hypothetical gay sexual partner and myself. A few years later, my dating partner, who would be engaging in any sexual activity for the first time,tried to eat me out and funnily, had the exact same reaction as me! He felt a little ashamed,but when I told him about my first experience we ended up laughing our hearts out. It felt nice to see someone else feel the same way I did back then and definitely did not make me feel like I had committed a grave sin that day.I always wondered if I had different expectations; Would it have been better? Regardless, I know now that sex may or may not be as good as you think, you might even not like popularly loved things. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We should all also definitely learn how to communicate better with our sexual partners. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about how I left that room. This does not mean this is it though, I don’t give up easily. You never really know when you start liking something you hated before, like kids with capsicum or adults with karela.