Healing from shame: A recount of penetration and liberation

 The Oohs and Aahs of porn are very familiar to me. The women begged the men “to put it inside them” and the declarations of pleasure echoed when it finally happened; I considered this to be the pinnacle of pleasure. Penetration was the ultimate player in the game of sex and orgasm was now inevitable. As a teen experiencing the opposite of low libido, I was determined that my experience of sex would be just the same; penetration will transcend me to climax nirvana. Later I began dating with this fantasy in my mind. Which, within my first few sexual encounters, came crashing down.

It didn’t send me to pleasure heaven. Penetration failed to create that ‘god-like’ level of satisfaction. Compared to every heterocentric porn videos and sex scenes I had seen, I did not enjoy it as much as the actors did. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes it felt good, but most times it didn’t. I didn’t venture out in the world of porn addiction for clear reasons. Sometimes it felt right and most times I just did not get the point. What I thought I was supposed to feel was not close to what I felt. Which made me think, Surely you don’t have to enjoy penetrative sex or partake in it everytime you decide to have sex? Why do people consider penetration to be real sex?

With these questions came wisdom, I was free of the fantasies of penetrative sex and found my heart somewhere simpler. Hoping for penis-in-vagina contact is not a realistic expectation to have from all your sexual experiences. And I have not yet even considered that people have vaginismus or trauma related issues to penetrative sex. Ever since then, I don’t find it necessary to engage in. Penetrative sex is not for everyone for multitudes of reason and that is completely fine. Your experience will be different from mine and maybe your perspective is different from mine! What saddens me though is that penetration is put on this pedestal and is the highlight of every sex related mainstream media we consume. There are only heterosexuals having sex, and its always good. ALWAYS. It really does not live up to its portrayal.
But do you know what does?

Simple masturbation.

The Ooh and Aahs I heard were not restricted to just welcoming the penis but also to the fingers and the tongue. Of course every hand (beyond your own) needs to be guided where to go, how to move and what to focus on. But they have never failed me. Penetration is not the ultimate player like I previously considered. In fact, it would be Masturbation that would be the Sachin Tendulkar of sex, whose entry ensures the ultimate century/victory- an orgasm. 

I apologize for bringing Sachin Tendulkar into this (or maybe not? Someone could be into that).  But you get what I mean. It can be easy to underestimate the simple and reliable but we really should not. Masturbation is not talked about openly, we find ourselves hiding and secretly engaging in it like an illicit drug. But it's the first step to exploring your body. The fear of enjoying yourself is so internalized that even the thought of partaking can give you chills. For a long time I struggled with this. My notions of freedom and sex were not what society and my culture told me. But this caused dissonance and created shame for when I enjoyed sex and masturbation.  It took a lot of time to accept pleasure and view it not as shameful but something that brought me peace. Indian culture always tells you to cover up, wear or not wear certain things and with all its rules it creates a shame based society which will ridicule you, scorn you and even ostracize you for doing anything beyond its norms. Masturbation for me has been something I can control, I had all the authority here. It healed me while giving me space to be with myself and forget the restraints around me, even if for a little while. It was rebellious.
Coming to terms with pleasure was difficult and what worked for me was being around people who accepted sex as a part of life, where I was not judged but rather we could all talk about our diverse experiences together. Some enjoyed sex, others didn’t. Some did not want to have sex, some only liked oral sex. Some engaged in kink, others preferred not to. All through these conversations and exposure taught me this:  Sex is not just about penetrative sex. Sex is not the same for everybody but it is still always sex.

While this popular notion is being busted in pop culture, it will take a while to get translated to mainstream media. Expecting a sudden shift is too big of an expectation from a society that still largely produces hetersosexual male-centric porn and laws. But it is possible. Sex sells and in the current trend of wokeness- Inclusive sex sells even more. Capitalism will eventually grab on, it has started to. But will cultures? That’s a bit difficult to predict but maybe we can have hope.